Abba,
I am not sure I completely understand this season of Lent. Wikipedia says that Lent is “the penitential preparation of the believer” for Holy Week. We take time to stare our sins in the face to more properly understand the significance of Your sacrifice. We fast and pray, repent and deny ourselves, to draw near to You, to take our journey through sorrow and penitence to celebration and new life.
So far I have failed spectacularly in my devotion. I entered into Lent only half-heartedly, half-committing and half-following through. I have denied You much more often than myself.
My failures underscore my utter need for You. I cannot even repent without Your help. Our inability to really do penance reveals our need for the grace that is the cross. We continually try to turn this life into a chance to earn Your sacrifice, to show You how sorry we are and make up for it with our devotion. Trouble is, we are never devoted enough. Your disciples will always be found sleeping.
Even in my worship I need You to fill me. I cannot enter into Your presence until I still my heart and let You come. When I fill my life with busyness and words and work and worry, I deny You the chance to be God in my life. I do not trust You with the moment, so I turn from it. But when I am still, when I stop and enter the moment, then I know You are God. And I see that You are singing my life-song and waiting for me to open to You.
I want the hard times to make me more faithful, not less. I want to fast from my idols not to earn You but to see more of You, to still the desires that clamor all day long. Can one fast from worry?
This journey is about letting You love me, accepting the cross that I did not earn. letting go of the pride that holds You at arms’ length.
I want to plunge into You, to wear You like a cloak that covers all of me, shelters and warms me, keeps me safe and soothes the naked sinful shame of me. I want this Lent to lay me bare so I might feel You on my soul skin, the enfolding love on the chaffed unfaithfulness.
