“The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith. The beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety." --George Muller
Too, too, too long since I have journaled. So much has been going on within me, such a tempest of feelings and ideas and anxieties. The quote above summarizes much of what God is doing. How needlessly I carry around the burden of anxiety that only grows larger day after day. It bows me down, slows my progress, makes me oh so weary, cripples my effectiveness. I’ve been lugging it my whole life, and it never has done me any good.
I told a friend the other day that I am so used to waking up to an instant weight of anxiety and guilt that when I don’t have anything to feel guilty about, I feel guilty. I NEVER have nothing to be anxious about.
Everything around me has seemed to be in such chaos for so long. I worry about Malachi, about his tender spirit, about his soul, about my relationship with him, about Ben’s relationship with him. I worry about Ben. I worry about my schedule and my mountain of tasks. I worry about my weight. I worry about the friends I am failing to reach out to, about the projects I never seem to get done. I worry about house cleaning. I worry about teaching. I worry about money. I worry about my family members who don’t know Christ. On and on and on…
Oh, Abba! I know you want to take this from me. I know that TRUE faith trusts You so completely, surrenders all and walks in peace and confidence. I have had moments of that. I want the real thing, the constant presence. Forgive me my worry and my guilt. I worry because I refuse to give up control. I feel guilty because I do not accept Your forgiveness and grace.
Now let us begin anew. NOW help me to lay it all down, to unclench these fists, to breathe, to smile, to lie back in Your arms.
You say perfectly what I feel so many days. What a joy it is to feel that release when we do let go and lay back in His arms. Now I just need to work on laying there for longer than a minute!
ReplyDeleteYes, my sister, God has me under the same conviction to release my anxieties to Him. Before, I'd seen the presence of my anxiety as an indicator that I had not managed something right, and that once my life was in order (well, then, never) I'd be released into peace. But then I'd feel despair, realizing that Life will ALWAYS provide infinite material for me to fascinate on, obsess over, be anxious about, regardless of how I am managing.
ReplyDeleteI have been using Phil 4:6-7 on a STOP/ Think card. When I track my mind going down the anxious path, which is continually, I see a red stop sign on one side of the card, flip it over, and Think: Do not be anxious about anything... I do this in my head, but with less familiar verses, I'll actually write them down. I'm realizing the chaos of my thinking and feeling God's prompting to talk back to myself with His truth (even if it feels redundant or like something I already "know" but don't live as if I do)
I know you are still writing, Julie. Please share some more of it with us!
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