Giving Life

I am leading a Bible study called "Five Aspects of Woman" with two amazing young women that God has brought my way. This is my fourth time through the study, and one would think that by now I have absorbed all of its teachings. Alas. Now I know why God wanted me to do it a fourth time.

The study examines the idea of Biblical femininity--what IS a woman, according to God? Five "aspects" or "roles" are presented, and we study each for three weeks. Currently we are studying the "Lifegiver" role. All women, mothers or not, are called to give life, physically and spiritually. We are to guard and protect the "inner domains": virginity, the womb, and the home, among others. We give life through these inner domains.

Today's study challenged us to examine the ways we give life. Who has God brought into our lives, and how do we give life to them? The author presented us with categories to consider: words, education, church life, holiday and social life, culture and the arts, heritage and traditions.

And today I finally stopped and came face to face with the fact I have been pushing away, refusing to deal with. Today I allowed it to become real. I have sacrificed the precious domain of home for the outer domain of work. I have focused on giving life to my students to the neglect of my family. I did not do this purposefully, of course. In my mind I have always said "family first." And I have done enough to make our home functional, to make sure my children are fed and clothed and that they receive adequate attention.

But this weekend God began revealing to me my neglect, neglect which I believe has amounted to sin. Much of my home is in chaos. Things are not put away. Pictures have fallen off the walls and have not been replaced. My office, the only room in the house off-limits to children, has become the stopping place for all the clutter and chaos I have not had time to deal with. Our puppy has destroyed the backyard, and I have not cleaned it up. I have years and years worth of pictures that are sitting in boxes or on my computer. Meals are planned at the last minute or pulled from the freezer. I have not taken care of my own body or soul for months, and thus I am usually grumpy. This blog is the perfect illustration of my neglect--I have not written since September?!? My heart, and thus our home, is not a place of beauty, rest, or refuge.

The maddening thing is that this is not who I am. My personality loves and craves order, peace, home. I have always longed to create a beautiful, safe, peaceful, happy home for my family. But I have allowed the clamoring voices to creep in and take over. One can take on so many good things that in the end none of them are good at all.

I realize that I could keep going, keep functioning and maintaining, keeping my head above water and surviving. Many, many mothers do. But what do I want my children to remember? That mom was always working, that our house was a mess, that I spent all my free time trying to keep house?

I write this here as a confession and a challenge to myself. I do not like to reveal such ugliness. But maybe if I say it now, maybe if I face it in its reality, things will begin to change. Maybe I will finally give myself, my work, my family, to God and allow God to work HIS purposes. Pray for me to do this. Pray that God will lead the way, and that I will be a lifegiver, not a mere survivor.