Even Sleeplessness

“When Christ is at the center, when dishes, laundry, work, is my song of thanks to Him, joy rains. Passionately serving Christ alone makes us the loving servant to all.” –Ann Voskamp

“The work we do is only our love for Jesus in action. If we pray the work…if we do it to Jesus, if we do it for Jesus, if we do it with Jesus…that’s what makes us content.” --Mother Teresa

I sat through the night holding my sleepless baby, staring angrily at the walls and asking where You are, why this continues, why I have been getting up through the night for 11 months with no end in sight. Feeling exhausted, overwhelmed. Feeling like a mother failure. Feeling abandoned and alone.

I suppose I think it is my right to have a baby who sleeps through the night. After all, this is normal. After all, sleep is supremely important. Without sleep we cannot serve You well. Right?

But here in the daylight I can see You more clearly, can feel Your gentle remonstrance. Let go of your rights. Anyway, is sleep really a right? Maybe it is a gift. And maybe You are trying to tell me that You even give grace to the sleep-deprived. That even my lack of sleep will not stop You from meeting my needs, from making sure I have enough. (But really, Lord? Sleep?)

Let go. Let go. It’s what you keep telling me over and over, and I cling to my idea of my own needs. I whine. I seek pity. I grump. What if I let go of sleep? And what if letting go means I quit feeling sorry for myself, quit dwelling on problems, quit the pity party? What if I accept NOT sleeping as a gift? Can I be willing to explore that, to see what you might have to offer me there?

I want to see not sleeping as part of my act of love for Jesus. I want to sing a song of thanks to Him even in the middle of the night. I want my crazy, chaotic, time-deprived days to be songs of love to Jesus that will rain on my children, my husband, and many, many others.

It begins with thankfulness, with choosing to see all of life as a gift. Even this.