A perfect love

“You don’t have to be afraid,” I smooth back hair and hold my four year-old daughter close, trying to smooth back frustration at once again having this conversation.

“But what if a fire comes while I am sleeping?” 

This is the routine, the endless series of what-ifs that keep her locked in fear. Fear of fires in the night, fear of thunder, fear of strange insects, fear of being left alone.

I try all the arguments I can think of to calm her. I appeal to logic. I give her facts. Nothing works.

“Don’t you know you can trust me to take care of you?” She shakes her head. I give up and simply hold her until she is asleep.

On vacation at Disney World, we go to a spectacular light show. A voice over the loudspeaker tells us how Mickey Mouse will overcome his nightmare and conquer evil with good. Mikayla hears only the one word, “nightmare.” Burying her head in her daddy’s chest, she refuses to watch. She misses the princesses, the gorgeous dancing fountains of light, the flowers and fairies. We describe the wonders and urge her to look. Eyes squeezed shut, she misses the beauty for fear of the darkness.

How do I help her? What do I say? The truth is, I can’t protect her from every danger, as much as I want to.

And do I really wonder where my daughter’s fear comes from? Must I really ask why she dwells on the anxieties, why the things that might happen rob her joy of the things that are?

I have my own fears in plenty that keep me from rest.

We fear the things we cannot control. We worry about the what-ifs because we don’t have a plan, a way to keep out the pain and danger and loss.

I search for Scripture to pray, a verse to claim for my daughter’s tormented heart.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love” (1 Jn. 4:18).

There is no fear in love. When we know we are loved, we trust. The more perfectly we are loved, the more fully we trust.

Human love fails. My love for my daughter, strong as it is, cannot always protect her. A few minutes before the light show at Disney World, as we rushed through the crowds to find our seats, I lost her. I turned to help my other daughter, and when I looked again, Mikayla was gone. Those five minutes of searching and screaming her name felt like eternity. And after we found her, though we held her close the rest of the night, she lived in fear.

But there is a perfect love. A love that does not fail. Ever.

And perfect love casts out fear.

David, hotly pursued by his enemies, prayed, “When I am afraid, I will trust in you.” But in the very next verse he remembers the strength of His God and adjusts his prayer, “In God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” (Psalm 56:3-4)

The more we know God’s love, the less we fear.

A perfect love takes every pain and works it for good (Rom. 8:28). A perfect love makes beauty from ashes and joy from tears (Is. 61:3). A perfect love turns suffering into purest gold (1 Pet. 1:7).

When I choose fear, I tell God His love is not enough.

I tell Him that I do not trust He can take me through what looks impossible to me.

But I don’t have to be able to see the way through the darkness of uncertainty. I only have to trust that He can.

“He who fears has not been made perfect in love.”

When I understand that He can, He wants to, and He will, I begin to know His love.

There is only one way to be made perfect. There is only one path through fear. And those who know His perfect love, they are able to love more perfectly. 

“For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith” (1 Jn. 5:4-5).