Confessions of a broken heart

I have been hiding. 

Maybe you have noticed. (Probably not.) But in case you did notice, I ran away. 

From words, from the world, from myself. Honestly, so much grief has piled up inside of me that I'm afraid to let it out. I have tried to say so many other things, but none of it is genuine. The only thing real right now is my sadness. I don't like it, but there it is. 

There is too much sorrow. The lament grows inside of me and I find myself afraid to speak aloud all that I feel. I am afraid of the force of my questions and often my doubt. I’m afraid of the grief that threatens to turn to unbelief. I am afraid of myself, and so I squelch myself, push me down, keep me away. I have become good at hiding.

The problem is that now I feel wholly unalive. And like the prophet, the words I deny are like fire in my bones. I must speak, even if it is only to question and to wonder.

I have been crying for Him to come and not seeing his coming. I have been frustrated and confused. I have been ashamed at my doubts, but doubting nonetheless.

But I have also been reading through the Bible. He has told me story after story of Those Who Stayed.

There is the story of the man who hated himself and hid from the world and thought he was no good for much of anything, but he stepped back into the sights of his enemy and helped to set a nation free.  

There are those three teenagers who lived daily with those who despised them and accused them and insisted they were NOT ENOUGH, but they would not bow to the god of success and instead walked right into the fire.

There is the girl who tucked her fears behind her beauty and tried to ride out the thing that was happening to her. She was good at hiding. But she became the one who stepped right up and looked death in the face and instead overcame it, for her whole people.

There is the leader who encouraged his people, day after day, to keep building the wall, even when the enemies daily assaulted and frustrated the work. He never backed down.

And best of all, there is the boy who never wavered, the boy with a sling who saw not a giant but a fool scoffing at the One Thing he knew to be true. He stepped up and conquered, and he kept stepping up for the rest of his life.

They all could have run. Could have remained silent and hidden and alone. But they heard a Voice, and they knew a Name, and they experienced a Love that changed them. And I’m sure they doubted. I’m sure they struggled with unbelief. I’m sure they sometimes despaired and often felt very alone.

But hope that is seen is not hope. There is a promise worth believing in. And when His words come to us, we had better not keep them in or they will devour us. When we act in spite of fear, in spite of sorrow, in spite of doubt, then we get to see Him come. And he will come.

I write this mostly to myself but maybe to you, too. I write this because I must. Because there was a Man who came and stepped right into the enemy’s sights and lived a whole life under his hatred. And the lies piled up all around Him and the darkness pressed in, and He stayed. He let them kill Him. He knew what hope is. He knew the One who spoke His name in the darkness.

And the truth set Him free.

The truth will always set us free.

“When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly” (I Peter 2:23).

“To this you were called.” (1 Peter 2:21).

I’m starting to see that as long as I hide in silence, I cannot really know Him. I cannot go where He is if I do not put my hand in His. And He goes to broken things. He goes where the hurt is. He wants my lament. He can use it, if I will let Him. And in that space where my cry rises up, His love will press down.

So I will lament, but I will also praise. I will sorrow, but I will hope. I will grieve, but I will choose to believe. Because there is a cloud of witnesses who have believed before me. Because I have known His Love and heard His Voice. I will stay because the world needs me to. 

Don't run away. Run to Him. Ask Him to show you that you are beloved. Stand in the fire and believe in the power of His truth to free you from all the liars. Even yourself.