Anything

My husband stepped down from his job yesterday.

And so the world changes just like that. The discussions and tears, the many, many words and wonderings, the prayers offered up from conflicted hearts—they have all led to this. We step out from all we have known for twelve years, and we step onto a path that is still dark to us, aside from the next small piece.  Beyond the next space of quietness and reflection, we have no idea where God is taking us. But we know He has led us to this.

Grief squeezes my heart and a part of me wants to cry out no, no, this is a mistake, we didn’t mean it. I look at all the labor, all the memories, all the faces and hearts we love, this space where we have struggled and failed and triumphed for so many years. And I don’t want to let go.

But I know it is time. I hear Ben talk about how grateful he is for what he has learned and how he has grown, but he knows there is a new call on his life. I look at what God has done in us this year, and I know He is moving us on.

It’s terrifying.

Those stories about faith are easier to believe when they are just stories. Abraham and Sarah walking away from a rich life to wander in the wild, just because God told them to. Moses walking from the wild back to face his nightmares, only to go into the wild again with a whole nation trailing behind him. David picking up those little rocks and looking into the face of a giant. Two young men walking away from their nets and their livelihood to follow a man into a life they cannot imagine.

So many stories, Lord. You give us those stories so we will know. You are faithful. You have great plans for us. You’re working all things for our good.

Imagine if Abraham had never left his home. If Moses had remained a shepherd in that sleepy corner of the world. If David had never stepped out to fight. If Your disciples had stayed where it was safe and comfortable.

I’m sure you would have accomplished your purposes anyway. But they never would have seen the power, love, wonder of their God. They never would have known you as they did in the end. And they never would have been a part of your great story.

I promised You anything. I have begged to know you. I have said I want to be part of your story. And here I stand on the threshold of an unknown future. We step out into . . . what? I have no idea, beyond the next few months. You could be leading us anywhere. Into anything.

It’s so easy to be afraid. Are we doing the right thing? What if we fail? What if we can’t find good jobs? What if we never figure out what we are supposed to do? What are people here going to say about us? What will they think? Will the things we worked so hard for—and still love—die?

But.

But I don’t want to get to the end of my life full of regret that I didn’t believe. That I didn’t follow you. And that I missed all the blessing you wanted to pour out, all the beauty you wanted to show me, all the miracles you wanted me to be a part of.

If I really believe you, then I don't need to be afraid. I don't need to wonder what's next, because I know the One who holds my every moment in His hands, who knew all the days that were written for me before I was born. I can trust you with my days and the days of those I love.

I’m ready.

I want your anything. And if this is the way, I will go.