More than good enough

The other day I got into my car to see a large crack in the windshield, spreading from the bottom up toward the center. The crack had not been there the day before, but it was clear that it would soon take over the windshield, spreading as far as it could across the glass like an angry scar. I remembered the rock that had been kicked up into our windshield by a passing vehicle a few days before. I'd forgotten to check the windshield for damage, and now it was too late. 

That crack is a visual reminder for me, strangely fitting for the condition of my life lately. Some of the dings and dents I've been ignoring are starting to spread. The rocks kicked up into my life became wounds I did nothing about, and all my heart needed was a cold day for the cracks to start.

I'm learning some things the hard way, it seems. Some loving friends have shown me that I am a peacekeeper. This is not a good thing.

A little research taught me this: "A peacekeeper always guides conversations away from the subjects that might cause strife. Peacekeepers are compromisers. They avoid confrontation at all costs. They are experts at changing the subject, preventing arguments and misdirecting the conversation. The peace achieved by a peacekeeper is a pretend peace, it is a momentary peace. This peace is outward, external and incapable of changing anyone’s heart or mind." 

Well who am I to try to change anyone's heart or mind? Shouldn't I just accept my lot and let God do the rest? 

Not always, it would seem. This is what I am learning.

A peacekeeper is not to be confused with a peacemaker. 

"Peacemakers invite necessary conflict because they know there is no other pathway to the increase of understanding between warring people and groups. Peacemakers value authentic peace more than its distorted parody. The peace that exists between people with the courage to endure conflict, for the sake of lasting peace, is like gold when compared to its counterfeit cousin (peacekeeping)."

I'm a little lost and confused about all of this right now, but I suppose a lifetime of peacekeeping is not turned around quickly. I still long for the "gentle and quiet spirit" which is "precious in the sight of God." But I also want to be the peacemaker who is salt and light (Matthew 5).

"[Salt] prevents spoilage by preventing decay by bacteria, fungi, etc. Ultraviolet light also kills bacteria. Salt and light are confrontational with their environment because both prevent decay."

I had accepted some things in my life as crosses I needed to bear in silence. We were getting along, and things were good enough. I could live with it, I thought. But my acceptance allowed the decay to begin.

I thought I was doing the right thing. But the peace was momentary, and now the cracks are spreading, and I must have "the courage to endure conflict, for the sake of lasting peace." This relationship is dear to me, and now I see I hurt both myself and the other person by my inaction. I was not helping either of us by allowing the wounds to fester.

"Peacemakers lead others to have peace with God." If the peace I am guarding is only between myself and the other person and is not peace with God, I am a peacekeeper, not a peacemaker. 

Now I wonder if in all my prayers for healing, God was trying to tell me that the healing had to start with my being courageous."Truth without love is harsh, but love without truth is compromise." Sometimes we pray for answers when WE OURSELVES are the answer. 

So I'm working on this idea of peacemaking, stepping out in love and confronting the cracks. I won't say it doesn't hurt. But at the same time, I have hope. I'm seeing that God doesn't want us to live with good enough. He wants to heal, wants us to be whole. And if I can let go and trust Him, He will take us there.